Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea