Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”