Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”