[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
You Might Also Like
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.