If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?