Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You are what you delete.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis