Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again