The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
You Might Also Like
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Kids: Stay in school.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.