I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.