Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
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Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Not today. 😅
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.