my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.