Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?