14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
🙁
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is