America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
This is my favorite one of these!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
oh my gosh!!
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP