Feel. He’s so soft.
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I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Yes, this is exactly right
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.