No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
#milo
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.