me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
#Caturday
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My favorite farside!!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter