cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-