Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’