My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.