4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.