Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
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doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*