AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.