Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Love this guy
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs