Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.