Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name