When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
uncle dave has been through hell
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.