*Inspirational Tweets*
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Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.