If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️