Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!