[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.