I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.