adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.