Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.