If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK