Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Well, this certainly took a turn
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
i’m sure it’s fine
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?