The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”