[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent