Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
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Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.