Chicken bread
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”