The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
2022: I can fix it
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance