Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Watermelon Boss!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.