Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”