I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours