HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
what’s more important?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?