Imagine having a party on purpose.
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.