him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.