My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’