While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
me
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
We’ve all been there…
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?