Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.